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Memoirs of a Bathroom Hermit…

April 9, 2016

I have been reading through some recent daily devotionals by Chuck Swindoll, from Insight for Living Ministries, and I must say, I really like the man.  He just seems so down to earth, someone I could sit and listen to for hours.  He made me laugh when he wrote on his April 04, 2016 post entitled Let’s Move On, “Sometime in my ministry, I am going to gather up enough courage to have a testimony time where the only thing we’ll share is our failures. Wouldn’t that be different? Ever been to a testimony meeting where everybody else seemed to be on Cloud 39, and you were in Tunnel Number 7? One after another is talking about soaring in the heavenlies, while you’re counting gum wrappers in the gutter. Why don’t we visit the other side? Why not hand the microphone around and say, ‘When was the last time you took a nosedive? Can you share with others what it was like to experience a major disappointment?’”

How hard would that be, but how true…  Often times I have fallen into the trap of wanting to do good just to honor those who have supported us, many so abundantly, whether financial, or in wisdom and encouragement, that I feel forever indebted to them… Like there is no way I could ever pay back what they have given me, or be good enough.  I have had to remind myself, on several occasions, that I am not here to people please… that everything I do must be to glorify God, to be pleasing to him alone.  I imagine that is how my children may feel and I plan to remind them that they should work hard for the Lord and no one else.  I think they feel an obligation to do well in their studies because of the ones who made it possible for them to be where they are today. They are doing so well and honoring those contributions.  But I want them to know, that first and foremost, it should always be about honoring God.

I’ll take the mic now…

I locked myself in the bathroom the day before yesterday.  I was messaging back and forth with my friend.  She was saying how she worries for me because of all the bad stories she’s heard about adoptions.  These are the messages that followed…

ME:  Yes… I just take it day by day… Always hoping for a miracle in the back of my mind… My mind jumps all over the place to different scenarios.  I just can’t wait until one sticks!  This guessing game wears a body down.  I just can’t imagine telling her one day that we just can’t do it…

FRIEND:  Me either.  I’m praying for a miracle too. I really thought it would be better from that end because I had heard how hard it was and how long it took (and how expensive!!) it is from this side. I can only imagine. It makes my stomach hurt just talking to you about it!!

ME:  Sometimes I wonder, were we just supposed to save her life and give her love for a little while, a sense of what family is and can be… If so, I am thankful… Could I do it again? I don’t have the strength…

FRIEND:  That is a thought. Foster parents do it all the time.  And I can’t imagine how difficult that would be!

ME:  Now I am hiding in the bathroom balling my eyes out.  Getting it out is really getting to me.

FRIEND:  I’m Sorry! Am I saying the wrong thing?? Do you need to talk about it this way or no? I feel like I don’t know what to say or if I am saying the wrong thing!

ME:  No it’s just that I never talk to anyone about it like this I guess… I can open up with you, and I mostly bottle it up… Right now that bottle has sprung a leak… I know people have gone through far worse… I can do this!

FRIEND:  I know you are right.  And I know God is in control.  I know He will lead you in the right direction, even if it is one you don’t like or one that is difficult. He will give you whatever you need to get through what He has for you to get through.  I think you are doing it with grace and I am in awe.  I think I’d be hiding in the bathroom a lot.

ME:  Lol… I can’t seem to make my way out yet… Love you! I am going to get myself together… I got to get to work… And Neely keeps asking me questions through the door…  Thank you for the talk… I think it was good for me to shed some tears.

I am going to pass the mic now for fear that I may take up the next several hours of your life.  Ministry life seems so much more full of disappointments than I ever bargained for.  I never knew how difficult this life could be.  Yet, the rewards of someone coming to his or her salvation are so much more uplifting than I ever bargained for too.  But lately, there just seems to be way more disappointments than anything else…

Today I sliced open my foot on broken glass.  What’s funny is, Neely immediately grabbed the alcohol and told me to sit down, and she would blow.  I laughed because just a week before we were in the same position, only I was the one blowing her foot.  I remember getting onto her for jerking her foot away before I could pour it and not holding still.  I told her it had to be done in order for it to get better. And here I was just as reluctant as she was!  It was a much different feeling being on the other side.  I don’t want to be on the other side not taking my own advice.  I don’t want to be reluctant, non-trusting, afraid of more pain when I experience nosedives or disappointments.  I want to trust.  I want to take the pain and honor God in the process, whatever the trial may be.

Meanwhile, I do find comfort in the fact that I am not fleeing from Pharaoh’s army, surviving a shipwreck, or the bite of a viper.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. April 11, 2016 3:23 am

    praying praying praying! Bathroom breakdowns are a-ok! Hope you foot gets better. Love you

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